COLUMBO:
A GHOST FROM THE PAST

Scene 1:
Alastair McFarlane, the Chief Executive of a supermarket chain, is sitting in his office. He has his feet on his desk and is puffing away at a large, expensive cigar. He hears a knock at the door.

ALASTAIR:
Come in.

Alastair’s secretary Tina Leopold timidly enters the room.

TINA:
Sorry to bother you Mr. McFarlane, but I’ve just had the guy from the TV network on the phone again. They want to change their interview with you to this afternoon.

ALASTAIR: (Blows mouthful of cigar smoke in Tina’s face.)
How inconvenient. Does he think he can just snap his fingers and re-arrange an interview and expect me to cancel all my other engagements to fit in with his plans?

TINA:
I’m sorry Mr. McFarlane, but you have this afternoon clear anyway, so I didn’t think it would be a problem.

ALASTAIR:
You didn’t think it would be a problem? Well it is. I had an important meeting with Derek Molyneaux booked for 2, which I will have to cancel.

TINA:
Down at the club?

ALASTAIR:
Yes, down at the club. Important networking opportunity.

TINA:
Would you like me to phone Mr. Molyneaux to cancel?

ALASTAIR:
I think that would be a good idea don’t you. And make sure you explain to him the reason for the re-arrangement was because you had double booked me.

TINA:
Yes Mr. McFarlane.

Tina leaves the room.

ALASTAIR:
Honestly. Just can’t get the staff these days.

Scene 2:
Mr. McFarlane’s office. It is 1pm and Mr. McFarlane is preparing to leave for his television interview. He takes the top of the range lift down from his office to the ground floor of the building, and leaves by a side exit. As he enters the street, a scruffily dressed man approaches him. It is an old school friend of his called Gareth Bartholomew.

GARETH:
Ah there you are Alastair, I thought I might catch you.

ALASTAIR: (Stops walking and turns to face the man.)
What do you want?

GARETH:
Well it’s that time of the month again Alastair. Wages time. And I do believe I am due for a rise.

ALASTAIR:
Not a chance. Out of my way, I have an important interview.

GARETH:
Yes, very important for important people like yourself to attend important interviews. It would be such a shame if you suddenly were to become less important.

ALASTAIR:
Are you threatening me?

GARETH:
Threaten? Come on, we’re old friends. And I know that you would do anything to help an old friend in need.

ALASTAIR:
How much do you want?

GARETH:
$500,000 in cash.

ALASTAIR:
Not a chance.

GARETH:
Oh well, it looks like I’ll have to go up to your office and share a few anecdotes about when you and me were young with your staff.

ALASTAIR: (Looking angry.)
We can’t talk here. I’ll come round to the flat at 7.

GARETH:
I’ll be expecting you.

Scene 3:
Alastair’s house. It is a plush apartment with three floors with a balcony overlooking the town on the top floor. It is one of several properties owned by Alastair McFarlane. Alastair has just finished eating his evening meal and is sitting down on the sofa with his wife Opal watching the television.

ALASTAIR: (Looks at clock.)
Oh is that the time. Sorry honey. I’ve got a lot of work to be catching up on this evening. I’ll be up in my study for most of the evening.

OPAL:
Awww. Are you sure you can’t put it off until tomorrow?

ALASTAIR:
Sorry honey. It can’t wait I’m afraid. It involves quite a lot of complex arithmetic, so I’d appreciate it if you made sure no one disturbs me.

OPAL:
OK, I’ll do my best.

Alastair kisses his wife, then leaves the sofa and walks downstairs to his study. He enters the study and shuts the door and locks it behind him. Then he goes to his cupboard and takes out a long fawn raincoat and a black hat. He puts the raincoat on and does it up so that the collar covers most of his face. He puts on the hat and also changes his shoes. Then he takes a small bottle of what looks like ointment from his desk and puts it in his coat pocket. Then he opens the window of his study and looks out into the street. There is no one walking by, so he climbs out of the window and shuts it behind him. Then he walks down the street taking care to keep his head down.

Scene 4:
Alastair walks for some distance down side streets and through the park. Then he reaches the poorer area of the city. He comes to a block of flats and enters on the ground floor next to the lift. He presses the button and waits for the lift to arrive, which it eventually does. The lift doors open and no one gets out. Alastair enters and presses the 7 button for level 7. The lift doors close and the lift travels upward to level 7. The lift doors open and Alastair makes his way out of the lift. He taps at the letter box on the first door on his left. There is a balcony to his right overlooking the city. It is a long way down to the ground. After a few seconds the door opens and Gareth appears.

GARETH:
Ah there you are Alastair, come in.

Alastair enters the flat. As he looks around he can see a dingy looking flat with areas of mould on the walls. The carpet has holes in places and there is a dank smell. Gareth shows Alastair into the living room, which is just as dingy as the hallway. He takes off his hat and undoes his coat. In the corner of the room are some discarded needles. It is obvious that Gareth is a drug addict.

GARETH:
Can I get you anything to drink? I’ve only got cheap lager, though, I’m afraid.

ALASTAIR:
No thank you. I don’t want to catch anything.

GARETH:
There’s no need for rudeness. Have you got the money?

ALASTAIR:
Not too fast my friend. First, I think we need to come to a little arrangement.

GARETH:
What arrangement is that?

ALASTAIR:
I will pay you this time, but no more. This is the last payment.

GARETH:
Ah well, it looks like I will be paying that nice lady at your office a visit, Tina isn’t it?

ALASTAIR:
How do you know her name?

GARETH:
I know a lot of things my friend.

ALASTAIR: (Looks as if he is contemplating something.)
Very well, it looks like I have no other choice.

GARETH:
That’s right, you don’t. You know it’s your own fault. If you didn’t have such a shady past then I would have nothing to blackmail you over. And besides, I need the money. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate.

ALASTAIR:
But like you said, it was in the past, a long time in the past.

GARETH: (Smiles menacingly.)
Not so long my friend, not so long. (Gareth picks up a tie in his hand and strokes it as he speaks).

ALASTAIR:
Actually, I’ve changed my mind, I will have that drink after all.

GARETH:
Oh good, I’ll just get it for you.

Gareth puts the tie down, leaves the room and enters the kitchen. While Gareth is in the kitchen Alastair picks up one of his dirty needles from the corner of the room and takes the bottle of liquid from his pocket. He pours the liquid into the syringe. Then he puts the needle down on the table beside him and puts the liquid back in his pocket. Gareth returns to the room with Alastair’s drink.

GARETH:
There you are.

ALASTAIR:
Thanks.

Alastair takes the glass of lager from Gareth, but spills it on the carpet.

GARETH:
Oh dear. I better clean it up.

Gareth leaves the room and enters the kitchen. He returns seconds later with a cloth in his hand. He gets down on his hands and knees and begins scrubbing at the carpet. Meanwhile Alastair gets out of his seat and takes the needle in his hand. As Gareth is bent down on the floor Alastair bends down and injects the liquid into his neck. Gareth jumps in surprise but seconds later he collapses on the floor dead. Alastair takes hold of the glass and cloth and rubs the glass clean of his fingerprints. Then he puts the glass on the draining board in the kitchen. He leaves the syringe on the floor, but wipes his fingerprints from it and makes sure that all the liquid he injected has been drained out of it. He does up his coat once again, concealing his face and puts on his hat. He goes into the hallway and opens the front door, taking care not to leave any incriminating fingerprints on the handle. There is no one around outside. He heads to the lift and presses the button. The lift arrives and no one steps out. He enters the lift and presses the G button for ground floor. When the lift reaches the ground floor and the lift doors open there is once more no one to be seen. Alastair steps out of the lift, leaves the building and returns to the street. When he reaches his house he pulls the window up and checks that no one is walking down the street. He enters his study through the window.

Scene 5:
Gareth’s house. Lieutenant Columbo has arrived at the scene of the murder. It is two days after the night of the murder. The body had lain undiscovered for some time. The alarm was finally raised when the milkman noticed that the Gareth’s milk had not been collected. There are three policemen in the room in addition to the Lieutenant. The body has just been taken away. Columbo is looking around the house for details.

COLUMBO:
There is a mark here on the floor, and a cloth beside it. Geez that’s odd.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
What’s odd about it?

COLUMBO:
Well it looks as if that someone has knocked a glass of beer over or something similar, and it looks like the victim was cleaning it up just before he died.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
How do you know he was cleaning it up just before he died? He may have been doing it earlier.

COLUMBO:
But if he’d been doing it earlier he’d have finished scrubbing the carpet and put the cloth back on the draining board.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
So he had just been scrubbing the carpet. What does that prove?

COLUMBO:
May be nothing, but it certainly makes the possibility of deliberate suicide less likely. I mean why bother to clean up the mess at all if you are about to kill yourself? But then again, if he had been sold some bad stuff, why would he take an injection while he was in the middle of cleaning something up? He’d wait until afterwards surely.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
Maybe he had been scrubbing at the floor and then felt like an injection of heroin to boost his energy levels.

COLUMBO:
It’s possible. Of course he may have been scrubbing the floor much earlier and forgot to put the cloth back on the side. But that’s not likely, because there’s quite a stain on the carpet, which leads me to believe that he hadn’t finished cleaning up the mess. I’ll know more when that syringe has been analysed and the body has been checked out by forensics.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
Do you suspect foul play Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
It’s a possibility. I mean the man is clearly a heroin addict. There were needle marks all over the body, but that doesn’t mean that he took his own life, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that he was sold some bad stuff. Have you looked through those drawers yet?

POLICE CONSTABLE:
No sir.

COLUMBO: (Puts on gloves and opens top drawer in desk and looks through contents of drawer.)
Electricity bills, gas bills, water bills. It doesn’t look like this fella believed in paying his bills on time. Here’s a letter from the tax authorities too. (Columbo shuts the drawer and looks around the room. He notices a tie draped on the side of the chair.) Hey what’s this. It looks like a tie of some sort. (Pulls out tie and examines it closely.) What do you make of this constable?

POLICE CONSTABLE:
Looks like a school tie.

COLUMBO:
Yeah that’s what I was thinking. Not the sort of tie you’d ware for work or to go out for a meal or a function. I wonder what school it’s for.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
I’ve no idea Lieutenant. Do you think it might be important?

COLUMBO:
I don’t know. It might be. Run a check on all the schools within 20 kilometres of here, see if it is part of their uniform.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
Yes Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
And try and get hold of the landlord.

POLICE CONSTABLE:
Will do Lieutenant.

Scene 6:
St. Stephens School. The police constable has located the school that the tie belongs to. Lieutenant Columbo arrives at the school to visit the headmistress.

Columbo knocks on door.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Come in.

COLUMBO: (Enters sheepishly.)
Uh excuse me for intruding ma’am but I’m Lieutenant Columbo from the Police. (Takes out his identity badge.)

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Come in Lieutenant. Take a seat. Would you like a tea or coffee?

COLUMBO:
Uh no thank you ma’am. Do you mind if I smoke?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Sorry Lieutenant. The whole school has a strict no-smoking policy.

COLUMBO:
Quite right too ma’am.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
What is it you wanted exactly?

COLUMBO:
Well, I’m dealing with a possible homicide. A man was found dead in his apartment. I gather that this tie is part of your school uniform. Am I right?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Yes that’s right.

COLUMBO:
This tie was found in the victim’s apartment. When someone dies and there are doubts over the cause of death I have to check out any leads I have, however insignificant they may seem.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
What was the victim’s name Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
It was Mr. Bartholomew, a Mr. Gareth Bartholomew.

MRS.BALDERDICE: (Muttering.)
Bartholomew, Bartholomew. Ah yes, I remember Gareth Bartholomew. He was a student at the school must be getting on for thirty years ago now. I hadn’t been teaching long then.

COLUMBO: (Sounding surprised)
You remember him?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Yes.

COLUMBO:
Boy, that’s a stroke of luck. Can you remember who he used to hang around with or who his best friend was?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Forgive me Lieutenant, but it was a long time ago, and I have taught hundreds of students since. You’ll have to give me a minute.

COLUMBO:
Of course ma’am. I was thinking, do you keep any records of past classes? Perhaps that might help to jog your memory.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Uh, yes we do. They will be down in the vault though.

COLUMBO:
Would you mind showing them to me ma’am?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Well I have a meeting with the governors at 3.

COLUMBO:
I’m sorry for making a nuisance of myself ma’am, but it shouldn’t take too long.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
You haven’t seen the size of the vault Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Well I’ll tell you what. If you give me the keys to the vault, I’ll go and search for them myself so as not to inconvenience you any more than is necessary.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Very well Lieutenant. The meeting should be finished by 4. Come back then and show me what you uncover. (Hands Columbo the keys.)

COLUMBO:
Thank you ma’am.

Scene 7:
St. Stephens School. It is 4pm and Lieutenant Columbo returns to see Mrs. Balderdice.

Columbo knocks on the door.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Come in Lieutenant.

COLUMBO: (Enters.)
How did you know it was me?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
I recognised your knock.

COLUMBO:
Geez you’re a very observant lady ma’am.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
So what did you find Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
Well ma’am, like you said, it was a big vault down there. I never realised this school had been going so long. Anyway, fortunately the files there were pretty well organised and I managed to find the years I was looking for. Then it was just a question of finding the files relating to Mr. Bartholomew.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Let me have a look.

Mrs. Balderdice puts on her spectacles and looks at the files.

COLUMBO:
It seems Mr. Bartholomew was in quite a big class. Nearly 50 pupils. That’s more than they have these days isn’t it?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
You are quite right Lieutenant. Class sizes have reduced over the years, though they seem to be on the rise again now. Ah yes, some of these names are familiar. Rosie Brenthorn. I think she was a bit of a femme fatale if I recall correctly. Many of the boys used to try and win her affections.

COLUMBO:
Was Mr. Bartholomew one of those boys?

MRS.BALDERDICE: (Pauses.)
No I don’t think so.

COLUMBO:
I remember back to when I was at school, and the boys tended to hang around in gangs. Do you remember if Mr. Bartholomew was part of a gang?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Well you know Lieutenant, gangs often change from term to term. However the only names that come to mind when thinking of Gareth are Jack Maythorn, Greg Thorndike and Alastair McFarlane.

COLUMBO:
Thank you very much ma’am. I know it’s very difficult remembering back so far. If I think back to when I was at school, I can barely remember the name of my form tutor. Not that I was implying you were old or anything ma’am. (Goes red.)

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Nonsense Lieutenant, I am old. No shame in that. I’m in my prime. Do you think all the other teachers would pay so much attention to what I said if I was some clueless twenty year old without much experience?

COLUMBO:
Geez, you know you’re right ma’am. It’s the same in the Police force. These young constables talk to my like a Dutch uncle at times.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
And that’s the way it should be. Respect your elders, that’s what I was always taught.

COLUMBO:
Well ma’am, you’ve been a big help. I won’t take up any more of your time. If you can think of anyone else that may have known Mr. Bartholomew then let me know. Here’s my card. (Hands Mrs. Balderdice a card.)

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Not at all Lieutenant. I’ve enjoyed our little chat. It brought back some happy memories, though such a pity that the reason for your visit was such a sad one. It always saddens me to hear about the death of a former pupil, or member of staff. But to be murdered. Well, that doesn’t bear thinking about.

COLUMBO:
No ma’am. I didn’t say it was murder. It’s a possibility, that’s all. In my line of work you have to consider all the options.

MRS.BALDERDICE: (Smiles.)
I understand Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Well thanks again ma’am.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Goodbye Lieutenant, and good luck.

Scene 8:
By the following morning Lieutenant Columbo has heard back from forensics. They found nothing conclusive. There were traces of heroin in the victim’s body but no traces of any other substances. Columbo’s boss suggested to the Lieutenant that he saw no reason for the case not to be wrapped up and a verdict of accidental suicide. However, Columbo was insistent that he pursues all lines of enquiry, as he believed that there was a chance of it being a homicide. Leads were thin on the ground, as the victim had no job and lived a solitary life. It is evening and at Mr. McFarlane’s house there is a ring at the doorbell. Mrs. McFarlane answers it.

COLUMBO:
I’m sorry to bother you ma’am but I’m Lieutenant Columbo from the Police. (Shows identity card.) I wonder if I might have a few words with your husband.

OPAL: (Looking puzzled.)
Yes, come in.Opal shows the Lieutenant inside. Alastair is sitting in the living room puffing away at a cigar.

COLUMBO:
There’s nothing quite like a good cigar to unwind in the evening is there Sir.

ALASTAIR:
Indeed. Though my wife would disagree with you.

COLUMBO:
You know my wife’s just the same. She’d prefer me to take up a pipe. She is forever spraying air freshener around the house.

ALASTAIR:
Who are you exactly?

COLUMBO:
Oh I’m sorry Sir. I’m Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD.

ALASTAIR:
A policeman! Don’t tell me, you’ve come about the parking fines.

COLUMBO:
Uh, no Sir, it’s more serious than that I’m afraid. I’m investigating a possible homicide.

ALASTAIR: (Looking worried.)
A homicide?

COLUMBO:
Don’t worry Sir. It’s just routine. You were a pupil at St. Stephens High school, am I right?

ALASTAIR:
Yes, but that was years ago.

COLUMBO:
I understand that Sir, but bear with me. I spoke to the headmistress there, a Mrs. Balderdice. Nice lady. Well, anyway, to cut a long story short, one of your old classmates has died recently. Mrs. Balderdice mentioned your name and said that you might have been friends with the man back in your schooldays.

ALASTAIR:
What was the man’s name Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
Gareth Bartholomew.

ALASTAIR: (Looks thoughtful as if trying to remember something.)
Ah yes, I remember Gareth. He was in my class at school.

COLUMBO:
Were you good friends with Mr. Bartholomew?

ALASTAIR:
Well, no more than anyone else. Gareth was a bit of a loner. Kept himself to himself.

COLUMBO:
Yes sir, I’m beginning to see that for myself. Do you know that the headmistress, yourself and a couple of your classmates were the only people I’ve managed to find who knew Mr. Bartholomew?

ALASTAIR:
Did the man not work Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
No sir, and he appears to have had no family either.

ALASTAIR:
Most odd. Though to be honest Lieutenant, it doesn’t entirely surprise me. After all, he never did mix much at school.

COLUMBO:
That’s what makes this case even more strange. If he didn’t know anyone then who would want to kill him?

ALASTAIR:
Are you sure it was murder Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
It’s still early days in my investigation, and so far there is nothing to confirm it is murder but, well, when you’ve been doing the job as long as I have you develop an instinct for these things.

ALASTAIR:
And your instinct tells you it’s murder?

COLUMBO:
Yes sir.

ALASTAIR:
I’m shocked. I mean who would want to murder Gareth?

COLUMBO:
It looks like someone did Sir.

ALASTAIR:
How was he murdered? Was it a shooting?

COLUMBO:
No sir, it was an injection of something. It looks as if Mr. Bartholomew was a heroin addict. It’s still possible that he injected some bad stuff, though personally I think it’s more likely that someone else injected the stuff into him with the intention of killing him.

ALASTAIR:
That’s awful Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Where were you on Tuesday evening?

ALASTAIR:
I was here all evening.

COLUMBO:
Is there anyone that can confirm that sir?

ALASTAIR:
Yes, my wife, can’t you dear.

OPAL:
Yes that’s right. He was at home all evening. He was in his study for a lot of the time.

COLUMBO:
Study?

ALASTAIR:
Yes Lieutenant. I had a lot of business accounts to do.

COLUMBO:
I understand sir. That’s fine. We have to check out everyone’s whereabouts when there is a possible homicide. But anyway, back to what I was saying. (Tries to recall what he was saying. Twenty seconds later he remembers.) Ah yes. I spoke to a Greg Thorndike. He said that you, he, Jack Maythorn and the victim were pretty good friends at one time.

ALASTAIR:
Well for a while Lieutenant. As I said, Gareth was a bit of a loner. He didn’t mix much.

COLUMBO:
But earlier you said that you weren’t friends with Mr. Bartholomew more than anyone else.

ALASTAIR:
I wasn’t most of the time. But it’s true, there was a period, in the seventh grade I think, where me, Greg, Jack and him used to hang around together.

COLUMBO:
Mrs. Balderdice also mentioned Mr. Maythorn. I’m still trying to locate him. It seems that he has moved away from the area.

ALASTAIR:
Me and Jack were quite good friends, particularly in later years at the school.

COLUMBO:
Have you met either the victim, Mr. Thorndike or Mr. Maythorn since you left school?

ALASTAIR:
No. We didn’t keep in touch. You know how it is. People go their separate ways when they leave school.

COLUMBO:
I understand sir. You seem to have done pretty well for yourself since then. This is a lovely house. What is it you do exactly?

ALASTAIR:
Thank you for the compliment Lieutenant. I am managing director of Yerecos supermarkets.

COLUMBO:
Yerecos? You’re kidding. My wife is always shopping there. She loves that seasoned ham you do.

ALASTAIR:
Ah, well, I have some of that in the fridge. (Gets up and goes into the kitchen. He returns with a pack of ham in his hand.) Here, I hope your wife enjoys it.

COLUMBO:
That’s very kind of your Sir. I’m sure she will.

ALASTAIR:
Well if there’s nothing else?

COLUMBO:
No, I think that just about wraps it up. Thanks again for your time Sir, and the ham.

ALASTAIR:
Not at all Lieutenant. Here, before you go, take these. (Rummages around in his drawer and pulls out a book.) They’re money off vouchers on selected items at Yerecos.

COLUMBO:
Thank you very much Sir. My wife will be tickled pink with these.

ALASTAIR:
Safe journey home Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Goodbye sir.

Scene 9:
Alastair’s office. It is two days after Columbo’s visit to Alastair’s house. Alastair is sitting in his office relaxing when he hears the intercom beep.

TINA:
There’s a gentleman here to see you Sir. A Lieutenant Columbo.

ALASTAIR: (Looks displeased at the mention of the Lieutenant’s name.)
Very well, show him in. (A few seconds later there is a knock at the door.) Come in Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Oh thank you sir.

Columbo sits down and takes Mr. McFarlane’s ashtray and uses it for his cigar.

ALASTAIR:
What is it you wanted Lieutenant? I thought we’d sorted everything out the other night.

COLUMBO:
Well that’s right, we did Sir, only there has been a development.

ALASTAIR:
What development?

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, we finally managed to locate Jack Maythorn. He’s living over in San Francisco now. He owns a casino there.

ALASTAIR:
He always had an entrepreneurial streak Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Yeah, he’s done pretty well for himself. You know that’s the funny thing about this case. Four old classmates. Three of them are managers of lucrative businesses and the fourth was unemployed, addicted to heroin and living in a poky flat. And then he died. It’s funny what fate throws at you isn’t it.

ALASTAIR:
Are you implying that the fact myself and my other two former classmates succeeded was because we were lucky Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
Oh no Sir. No, I didn’t mean that at all. You’ve obviously worked very hard to get where you are today and I admire you for doing so. No, what I was meaning is, how odd it was that three of four friends should be so successful and the other one should have hit on such bad times.

ALASTAIR:
That’s life Lieutenant. Anyway, you were saying.

COLUMBO: (Pauses as if trying to remember what he was talking about.)
Ah yes sir. Mr. Maythorn. He made a statement to our colleagues in the San Francisco P.D. He confirmed that you and he were good friends. He, like you, said that he wasn’t friends with Mr. Bartholomew for long, just for a short period. He said that Mr. Bartholomew didn’t mix much, kept himself to himself. Much as you said in fact. He said that during the time you were all friends there was a school trip to New York.

ALASTAIR:
That’s right.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, something happened on that trip and I think you’ll know what it was. According to Mr. Maythorn you, he and Mr. Bartholomew went off alone. You initially went sightseeing round outskirts of the city but you began to wander further and further afield and got lost. According to Mr. Maythorn you couldn’t find your way back to wherever you were staying and it was getting dark. Neither of you had any money so you decided to kip down for the night in an old barn.

ALASTAIR:
Yes that’s right. Smelly old building it was too.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir. Then we come to the part of the story that’s been bothering me. He says that you met this young boy who was also looking for a place to sleep for the night. He had run away from home and the barn was one of his regular haunts. You sat up talking to the boy until late. You had managed to obtain some alcohol and drank a fair bit of it that night. Mr. Maythorn says that he fell asleep in the back of the barn while yourself, the boy and Mr. Bartholomew were still telling each other stories. Then the next morning Mr. Maythorn woke up to discover that the boy was nowhere to be seen. Mr. Maythorn woke you and Mr. Bartholomew and the three of you went to look for the boy. Then to your horror you found that the boy was dead. You found his body at the bottom of bridge. He had drunk quite a lot and was disorientated and apparently he fell to his death.

ALASTAIR:
What are you implying Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
I’m not implying anything Sir.

ALASTAIR:
You don’t fool me Columbo. If you had bothered to read the Police files then you would have found that the boy’s death was an accident and the Police investigation was concluded very quickly. There was never any suspicion cast on the three of us. We were all asleep when the boy wandered off to the bridge.

COLUMBO:
Oh no Sir. I’m not casting doubt over the Police investigation. That’s not what has been bothering me.

ALASTAIR:
Then what is it Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
Well sir, it’s what happened afterwards that is puzzling me. I mean, that event was a tragedy. When something like that happens to kids it tends to stays with them the rest of their lives.

ALASTAIR:
Indeed it does Lieutenant. I know I’ll never forget it.

COLUMBO:
Yet you never mentioned it when I saw you at your house the other night.

ALASTAIR:
It’s not something I like to talk about Lieutenant, and I didn’t see it was relevant to your inquiries so I didn’t mention it.

COLUMBO:
I understand sir. It’s an emotional subject and I’m sorry for reminding you of it. But there’s still something that’s bothering me.

ALASTAIR:
What?

COLUMBO:
Well, according to both yourself and Mr. Maythorn you weren’t very friendly with Mr. Bartholomew after that.

ALASTAIR:
That’s right. Me and Jack tended to go off and do our own thing and it wasn’t usually Gareth’s scene. He tended to spend most of the time on his own.

COLUMBO:
You see that’s what I find strange Sir. You’d think that a shared experience like that would be something that would bring you closer, yet it seems to have done the complete opposite. It seems that after that tragic event you and Mr. Maythorn didn’t see much of Mr. Bartholomew again.

ALASTAIR:
Grief effects people in different ways Lieutenant. And to be blunt, until you’ve gone through something like that I think it is unreasonable for you to speculate on how the people involved will feel. I’ve tried to put that horrid event to the back of my mind and your investigation has raked it all up again. (Appears to break down.)

COLUMBO:
Oh I’m sorry Sir. You’re right. I’m not a psychiatrist. I’m only an ordinary detective. I’ve made enough of a nuisance of myself. I won’t take up any more of your time. (Leaves Mr. McFarlane’s office.)

Scene 10:
St. Stephens School. Lieutenant Columbo is overrun by students going to their classes. After fighting his way through the crowds, Columbo reaches Mrs. Balderdice’s office and knocks on the door.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Come in.

Columbo stumbles into the room. His hair is in a mess and he is panting slightly.

MRS.BALDERDICE: (Chuckles slightly.)
I see you have been caught in the rush for second period Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Yes ma’am. I thought that I’d been caught in a stampede by a herd of cattle.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Yes it does get a bit like that sometimes. Anyway, what can I do for you?

COLUMBO:
Well ma’am, I’ve got a few more questions, if it’s not too inconvenient.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
I’m doing some paperwork at the moment Lieutenant. It will keep.

COLUMBO:
Oh good. Well I’ve come to ask you about this trip to New York. You never mentioned it when I saw you before.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Trip?

COLUMBO:
Yes ma’am. Apparently Mr. Bartholomew, Mr. McFarlane and Mr. Maythorn all went on this trip to New York, during which there was a tragedy.

MRS.BALDERDICE: (Pauses.)
Oh yes, I do recall something about it now you come to mention it. I didn’t go on the trip myself. I’ve never been to New York.

COLUMBO:
That’s what I figured ma’am, because if you did go, I’m sure you’d have remembered it straight away. A boy fell to his death off a bridge. He wasn’t a pupil of this school. It was only Mr. Bartholomew, Mr. McFarlane and Mr. Maythorn who met the boy, and they only saw him for a couple of hours on the day he died.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Well I’m sorry Lieutenant. It was a long time ago and, as I said, I did not go on the trip myself. I don’t think I can be much help.

COLUMBO:
Well ma’am, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about as well. I appreciate it was a long time and you’ve been a great help remembering all the things you have, but I wonder, can you remember why Mr. McFarlane and Mr. Bartholomew drifted apart after the trip?

MRS.BALDERDICE: (Pauses as if deep in thought.)
Well, it is hard to know why students don’t get on with other students. Teachers aren’t usually in a position to know, as we aren’t privy to the students’ gossip. We only see what goes on in our own classes.

COLUMBO:
I understand ma’am. But if there is anything, however insignificant, it may help.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Well, I do remember that Gareth became very reclusive. The reason this sticks in my mind was because his mother came in to see me. She was worried about Gareth’s state of mind.

COLUMBO:
That’s interesting. Did you find out the cause of his depression?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
I don’t think so. I can’t remember to be honest Lieutenant. I do remember that he was quite a remote person.

COLUMBO:
And how about Mr. McFarlane? How was he after the trip?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Alastair was always quite gregarious. I don’t think he changed much after the trip.

COLUMBO:
You see that’s what I find strange. It seems that after the trip Mr. McFarlane didn’t change much while Mr. Bartholomew became depressed, and it’s even fair to speculate that he was never quite the same again. And the two never spoke much after that.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Never spoke? I never said they didn’t speak.

COLUMBO:
No ma’am, Mr. McFarlane and Mr. Maythorn said that.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Well they must have spoken. You can’t go through a term, let alone several years, without speaking to one of your classmates.

COLUMBO:
Are you saying that they were on speaking terms after that ma’am?

MRS.BALDERDICE:
I can’t remember whether two students I taught nearly thirty years ago were on speaking terms. Do you know how many students I’ve taught since then Lieutenant? All I’m saying is, in my experience, it’s not something you come across very often. Sometimes students fall out and don’t speak for a few days, even a few weeks occasionally. But they nearly always make up in the end. Even if they don’t hang around together much they are bound to come across each other frequently.

COLUMBO:
That’s very interesting ma’am. Thank you.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to tell you much. It is a long time ago and hard to remember specific details that far back.

COLUMBO:
No, you’ve been a big help ma’am. Thanks once again for your time.

MRS.BALDERDICE:
Goodbye Lieutenant.

Scene 11:
Alastair’s office. Alastair is coming back from lunch when he sees Lieutenant Columbo talking to Tina.

ALASTAIR:
Lieutenant Columbo, for what do I owe the pleasure?

COLUMBO:
Just a few questions Sir. It shouldn’t take long.

ALASTAIR:
I thought I answered all your questions the other day Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Well I’m sure you’ll appreciate that my investigation develops and things crop up.

ALASTAIR:
Oh very well. Come in. (Shows Columbo into his office.)

COLUMBO:
Thank you Sir. Oh before I forget, my wife told me to thank you for the vouchers. She said they saved her a lot of money on her weekly shopping bill.

ALASTAIR:
Glad to be of service. Now get straight to the point Columbo. I’m a busy man.

COLUMBO:
I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to see me at such short notice Sir. I’ve been speaking to the headmistress of St. Stephens again, and a couple of things she said got me thinking. She seemed to think that it was very unusual for students in the same class not to speak to each other for long periods of time. And yet apparently you and Mr. Bartholomew hardly said a word to each other for several years.

ALASTAIR:
Is that so? What does this headmistress know anyway? She must have hundreds of students pass through her hands since I was at school. I don’t even recall who she is. What did you say her name was again?

COLUMBO:
Mrs. Balderdice.

ALASTAIR:
The name rings a vague bell but nothing more. What qualifies her to sit in judgement over students private lives?

COLUMBO:
Oh no Sir, she wasn’t sitting in judgement. I think perhaps I didn’t make myself clear enough. She didn’t say that you were lying. She merely said that it was very unusual in her experience for students in the same class to go for long periods without speaking.

ALASTAIR:
And you came all the way here because she said that?

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, this is a homicide investigation.

ALASTAIR:
I’m fully aware of that fact Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
And whilst I appreciate you’re a busy man I have to follow up any leads, however obscure they may seem on face value.

ALASTAIR:
I’m sorry Lieutenant but I don’t know that there’s much more I can tell you. OK, so in Mrs. Balderdice’s experience it is unusual for students not to speak to each other for long periods. I guess me and Gareth were the exception to the rule.

COLUMBO:
Yes I guess you were Sir. Only-

ALASTAIR:
Only what Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
Well, she seemed to think that your paths were bound to cross. Like when you have the same lessons, at lunchtimes, walking home from school, that sort of thing.

ALASTAIR:
I never said I didn’t see Gareth around the place. All I said was we tended to avoid talking to each other.

COLUMBO:
Didn’t that make things a bit awkward for you both?

ALASTAIR:
It isn’t like we had a major falling out Lieutenant. We just didn’t mix much after the New York trip. We would talk to each other when it was necessary for civilities sake but not when it wasn’t.

COLUMBO:
I see Sir. Well, I’m sorry to bother you again.

Columbo goes to the door.

ALASTAIR:
Goodbye Lieutenant.

COLUMBO: (Leaves the room but returns.)
There’s just one more thing Sir.

ALASTAIR: (Looking angry.)
What?

COLUMBO:
Well I wonder if you could help me with a scenario.

ALASTAIR:
What scenario?

COLUMBO:
How many people work in your office?

ALASTAIR:
What, this particular office or the whole building?

COLUMBO:
Just this office.

ALASTAIR:
Seven including myself. There’s Tina, she’s my personal assistant. Then there are Holly and Rachel, they’re both general admin staff. There’s Bob the store manager and Phil and Connie who are assistant managers, though I don’t tend to deal directly with them.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, just imagine that, say you fell out with Phil or Connie and you weren’t on speaking terms. Do you think that the fact you weren’t speaking would affect the smooth running of the business in any way?

ALASTAIR:
Yes, it would, but I fail to see the comparison. A school is not the same as an office. There are lots of students and people work in different groups.

COLUMBO:
Yes I guess you’re right Sir. It was only a thought. I won’t waste any more of your time. Thanks for your patience.

ALASTAIR:
Goodbye Lieutenant.

Columbo leaves Alastair’s office.)

ALASTAIR: (Leaves his office and enters the next room, where Tina is sitting typing at her computer.)
Tina, if Lieutenant Columbo calls again tell him that I’m too busy to see him. I have wasted enough time on his pointless questions.

TINA:
Yes Mr. McFarlane.

Scene 12:
It is 6pm and Alastair McFarlane has finished work. He leaves the building and heads down the street. As he is walking down the street he hears a familiar voice.

COLUMBO:
Excuse me Sir.

Alastair ignores Columbo.)

COLUMBO:
Sir! Mr. McFarlane!

ALASTAIR: (Turns to face Columbo.)
What is it now Lieutenant? I am a busy man and I have wasted more than enough time on your pointless questions already.

COLUMBO:
I’m sorry Sir, just a couple of questions. Won’t take more than a minute or two.

ALASTAIR:
Go away Lieutenant. (Resumes walking down the street.)

COLUMBO:
Are you interested in statistics Sir?

ALASTAIR:
What?

COLUMBO:
Were you aware of what percentage of homicides were committed by someone who knew the victim?

ALASTAIR:
I’ve no idea Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Well, it’s pretty high Sir.

ALASTAIR:
What are you implying Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
I’m not implying anything Sir. But you should appreciate that when there is a homicide I have to speak to everyone who knew the victim well. In this case you knew the victim better than most.

ALASTAIR:
I hadn’t seen the guy for over twenty years before he died Lieutenant. Are you sure he had no family? I remember his mum was alive and well when we were kids.

COLUMBO:
No Sir. She died of cancer six years ago. You, Mr. Maythorn and Mr. Thorndike are my best leads so far.

ALASTAIR:
Then why don’t you go and pester them?

COLUMBO:
They will be questioned again in due course Sir.

ALASTAIR: (Stops and faces the Lieutenant.)
All right then Lieutenant. Two questions.

COLUMBO:
Thank you Sir. Now, (tries to remember what his first question was.)

ALASTAIR:
Well?

COLUMBO:
Ah yes Sir. It’s about your whereabouts on the night of the murder. When I visited you at your house you told me that you were at home all evening.

ALASTAIR:
Yes that’s right. I had a lot of work to catch up with in my study.

COLUMBO:
And you were alone in your study?

ALASTAIR:
Most of the time, yes. I don’t like to be disturbed when I’m working.

COLUMBO:
Yes, I appreciate that Sir. So in other words, no one saw you for several hours on the night of the murder?

ALASTAIR:
I was in the house though Lieutenant. My wife saw me enter my room and she would have noticed if I had left.

COLUMBO:
Do you have a window in your study Sir?

ALASTAIR:
Yes I do.

Columbo scribbles on his notepad.

ALASTAIR:
Right Lieutenant. You have had your questions. I don’t expect to see you hanging around again.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, I appreciate you are a busy man but I have a job to do too.

ALASTAIR:
Lieutenant Columbo. It seems quite obvious to me that you suspect me of involvement in Gareth Bartholomew’s death. But do you have a scrap of evidence to back up your accusations?

COLUMBO:
No Sir. You’ve got me all wrong. However, I must confess there are still some aspects of this case that are bothering me that I need to clear up.

ALASTAIR:
Meaning that some things I said are bothering you.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, it’s the aftermath of this New York trip. It just doesn’t ring true to me that you and Mr. Bartholomew should drift permanently apart in the way you said you did. There must be some other reason behind it. I’m going to keep asking until I find out what the real reason is.

ALASTAIR:
I have tried very hard to bury the memory of that trip but you have been determined to resurrect it and you won’t leave me alone until you succeed in hounding the truth out of me. Very well, you shall have your wish. That day me, Jack and Gareth had wandered off and got lost. We sought refuge in the barn. Then that kid turned up. We found that the barn had a cellar. There was alcohol in the cellar. We began to drink some of it. Before long we were getting very merry. Alcohol affects people in different ways Lieutenant. Jack seemed to become very drowsy and before long he had drifted off to sleep. But with me, Gareth and the boy the result was the opposite. Suddenly we decided we wanted to go for a walk. We began stumbling around outside and wandered off down the road. After a few minutes we reached a bridge. The boy seemed fascinated by the view down from the bridge. He looked down over the railings. Down below was a busy road. Then the boy climbed onto the railings and leant right over. He seemed fascinated at the cars whizzing by at high speed on the road below. Then, it all happened in a split second. Gareth stumbled into the boy. He didn’t mean to. Then the boy lost his balance and the next thing we knew his body lay motionless on the road below. I’ll never forget that sight. The body lying there in the middle of the road like an animal that had just been run over. Me and Gareth were stricken with panic. We ran home as quickly as our drunken legs would carry us. We agreed to keep schtum about it to the Police. We said we had not been with the boy when he had died and they believed us. I tried to wipe the memory of that awful night from my mind, but I never completely succeeded. I blamed Gareth, because he had nudged the boy, and I could never reconcile to be friends with him after that. Whenever I saw him the memory of the boy’s body falling off the bridge came into my mind. I avoided him at all times and we barely spoke a word to each other after that.

COLUMBO:
That must have been a very difficult experience for you to go through at such a young age.

ALASTAIR: (Tries to hold back the tears.)
It was. And although many years have passed since then, and I now have a successful business and pots of money, the memory of that night in New York has never left me.

COLUMBO:
I appreciate that it was difficult to tell me what you just told me Sir.

ALASTAIR:
It was. Now, are you satisfied? You’ve got what you wanted.

COLUMBO:
Well not exactly Sir. I’m still investigating a homicide. Anyway, I’ve taken up more than enough of your time for one day Sir. (Leaves the scene.)

Scene 13:
Alastair’s office. It is the following morning and Alastair is busy at work when Lieutenant Columbo arrives. Columbo is talking to Tina, Alastair’s secretary.

TINA: (through intercom.)
Sorry to bother you Mr. McFarlane, but Lieutenant Columbo is here to see you.

ALASTAIR: (Looks angry.)
Very well, show him in.

Columbo knocks on the door to Alastair’s office.

ALASTAIR:
Come in.

COLUMBO:
Sorry to bother you Sir.

ALASTAIR:
Then why do you keep doing it?

COLUMBO:
There has been a development.

ALASTAIR:
What?

COLUMBO:
Do you mind if I sit down?

ALASTAIR: (Offers Columbo a seat.)
Spit it out Columbo.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, it’s like this. We’ve been conducting a thorough search of Mr. Bartholomew’s house.

ALASTAIR:
Find anything interesting?

COLUMBO:
You could say that Sir. We found a receipt.

ALASTAIR:
A receipt?

COLUMBO:
That’s right Sir. A receipt from this store.

ALASTAIR:
So?

COLUMBO:
Were you aware that Mr. Bartholomew shopped here?

ALASTAIR:
Lieutenant Columbo! There are thousands of customers that pass through my store every week. Besides which I am the Chief Executive, which means I don’t work on the shop floor, which is why you come up here to pester me every time you want to ask me questions.

COLUMBO:
So you never saw Mr. Bartholomew in your store?

ALASTAIR:
That is correct. Now if you have any other pointless questions will you kindly save them for some other time. I have an important meeting.

COLUMBO:
Thanks once again for your time Sir.

ALASTAIR: (Sarcastically.)
Don’t mention it.

Columbo leaves Mr. McFarlane’s office.

ALASTAIR: (Waits for several seconds to ensure that Columbo is well clear.)
Tina, I thought I told you to tell the Lieutenant that I was too busy to see him.

TINA:
I’m sorry Mr. McFarlane. He was very insistent that he see you.

ALASTAIR:
This is your last warning Tina.

TINA:
Yes Mr. McFarlane.

Scene 14:
Alastair’s house. It is evening and Alastair is sitting watching television with his wife.

ALASTAIR:
Honestly, I’ve had a day of it today.

OPAL:
Has that detective been bothering you again?

ALASTAIR:
Yes. That man is like a leech. I try everything I can to get rid of him but still he appears disrupting my work at every opportunity.

OPAL:
What is wrong with the man? Can’t he see you’re innocent? You were here all evening on the night of the murder.

ALASTAIR:
That doesn’t matter to Columbo. Once he has his mind set on something he won’t change it. Incidental things such as cast iron alibis don’t seem to matter to him. He is the most stubborn man I have ever met.

OPAL:
But it’s not like you had a motive to kill the guy anyway. He was an old school friend who you hadn’t seen in over twenty years. Why is he so sure that you killed him? The guy must have a screw loose or something.

ALASTAIR:
He keeps harping back to this trip we made to New York when we were at school. He is convinced that it is all linked to the murder in some way. The man’s a conspiracy theorist.

OPAL:
Isn’t there some way you can stop him from pestering you?

ALASTAIR:
It’s difficult. He is a policeman after all. I can’t stop him from asking questions. Still, I know my rights. He can’t arrest me without any evidence.

OPAL:
Does he think that by hounding you non stop he will get the evidence he needs?

ALASTAIR:
I don’t know what he hopes to achieve. If he thinks he can hound me into confessing to the murder he really has got a screw loose.

(There is a ring at the doorbell.)

OPAL:
Who could that be at this time of night?

ALASTAIR:
Who else?

OPAL: (Gets up and answers the door. Sure enough Lieutenant Columbo is standing on the doorstep puffing away at a cigar.)
Lieutenant Columbo. What do you want at this time of night?

COLUMBO:
Just a couple of questions ma’am.

OPAL:
All you ever seem to do is ask questions. Hasn’t my husband answered enough of your questions for one day?

COLUMBO:
Well ma’am, much as I hate to disturb you, this is a homicide investigation.

OPAL:
If you hate to disturb us so much why do you keep doing it?

COLUMBO:
Two minutes ma’am, and I’ll be out of your hair.

Opal reluctantly lets Columbo in.

COLUMBO:
Good evening Sir. Just a couple of questions.

ALASTAIR:
Now where have I heard that before?

COLUMBO:
It’s about your whereabouts on the night of the murder.

ALASTAIR:
I’ve already told you my whereabouts Lieutenant, what is the point in me repeating myself?

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, there has been a development.

ALASTAIR:
What?

COLUMBO:
You know nowadays around the city there are security cameras?

ALASTAIR:
Yes Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, I’ve been able to obtain some camera footage from the night Mr. Bartholomew was killed?

ALASTAIR:
Don’t tell me. You have spotted me waving into one of them and shouting "I killed Gareth Bartholomew" at the top of my voice.

COLUMBO:
No Sir. But I did spot something that might be of interest to you Sir. Do you mind if I use your video recorder?

ALASTAIR:
Go ahead.

COLUMBO:
It has taken me some time to locate this particular tape. I had already viewed the ones taken from the main vantage points in the city a few days ago and found nothing untoward. But this one is different. It isn’t operated by the police. It is operated by the landlord of the block of flats in which Mr. Bartholomew lived. In fact I only discovered its existence by chance. The landlord has been away on holiday for the past fortnight, but the camera was still operating in his absence. When I finally got to speak to him he went through the footage and dug up this little gem.

ALASTAIR:
I’m intrigued Lieutenant. Let me see.

Columbo puts the video tape into Alastair’s video recorder and presses the play button. The tape shows the entrance of the block of flats. The camera is some distance away so identifying people’s faces is difficult. The video runs on for several seconds with no one to be seen. Then a man in a raincoat is seen entering the building. Columbo presses pause on the video recorder.

COLUMBO:
You see that man Sir? I believe that is the man who killed Mr. Bartholomew.

ALASTAIR:
He could just be someone who lives in one of the flats. Or is that too straightforward an explanation for you Columbo?

COLUMBO:
Well Sir. I considered that. And believe me there are lots of people who live in those flats.

ALASTAIR:
Well then, why not one of them?

COLUMBO:
Look at what he’s wearing Sir.

ALASTAIR:
A raincoat, similar to the one you wear Lieutenant, and a black hat.

COLUMBO:
Does anything strike you as odd about that man’s appearance?

ALASTAIR:
Not particularly.

COLUMBO:
But the evening of Mr. Bartholomew’s death it wasn’t raining. In fact it was very warm. Look at the way the man has done up the coat. It is done right up, covering most of his face, and the hat is pulled down. No Sir, that man is the killer alright. He is using his clothes to disguise his appearance.

ALASTAIR:
OK then, he’s the killer. So what?

COLUMBO:
Do you own a fawn raincoat by any chance?

ALASTAIR:
No I do not, but be my guest Lieutenant. Search through my closets, turn the whole house over if you must. I know you won’t be satisfied until you have.

COLUMBO:
Well I will take a look in your clothes cupboard if you don’t mind.

ALASTAIR:
Follow me Lieutenant. (Shows Columbo into his bedroom, where there is a large cupboard with clothes in it.)

COLUMBO: (Begins searching through the cupboard.)
Boy, you’ve got some nice clothes in here.

ALASTAIR:
It’s pointless trying to sweet talk me Columbo.

COLUMBO:
No I mean it Sir. These are some amazing garments you have here.

ALASTAIR:
Do you see a fawn raincoat amongst them?

COLUMBO: (Continues looking for another ten seconds.)
No Sir. No fawn raincoat that I can see. Do you have any other places that you store clothes?

ALASTAIR:
Yes, there is the cupboard in my study, and my wife’s cupboard.

COLUMBO:
Well with your permission Sir.

OPAL: (Enters the room.)
Just what do you think you are doing Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
I’m sorry ma’am, but I’m just searching through your clothing cupboards to see if I can find a fawn raincoat.

OPAL:
You’ve just stepped over the line Columbo. As if it isn’t enough that you continually hound by husband, but now you are looking through my clothes.

COLUMBO:
Well ma’am, I promise you it won’t take more a minute, but it is important.

OPAL: (Grabs hold of the cupboard door and begins throwing her clothes onto the bed.)
There, see any fawn raincoats Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
(Looks through the clothes that have been tossed onto the bed.) No ma’am.

OPAL:
Right, you’ve seen what you wanted to see, now get out!

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, there’s still the cupboard in your study.

ALASTAIR:
Come with me Lieutenant. (Hastily leaves the room with Columbo. Opal looks furious and follows them to Alastair’s study. Columbo looks through the contents of the study cupboard.)

OPAL:
Well, any fawn raincoats there?

COLUMBO:
No ma’am.

OPAL:
Right. Then get out, out out! (Pushes the Lieutenant out of the room and towards the front door. She shuts the front door behind him.)

ALASTAIR:
He’ll be back.

OPAL: (Angrily.)
I’ll be waiting for him at the front door with a knife in my hand. He’s so desperate for a murder case so I’ll give him his wish, only it will be his own murder.

Scene 15:
Alastair’s office. It is the afternoon after Columbo’s visit to Alastair’s house. Alastair is sitting in his office working.

TINA: (through intercom.)
I know you said that I shouldn’t let him in to see you again, but he is most insistent that he comes in. You know who it is.

ALASTAIR: (Sounding pleased.)
Show him in, Tina.

COLUMBO: (Enters Alastair’s office.)
I’m sorry to bother you again Sir. I hope your wife is feeling better after last night.

ALASTAIR:
Much better thank you Lieutenant, though I do not advise you to call round the house again. It is one thing pestering me without dragging my wife into it.

COLUMBO:
But your wife isn’t a suspect Sir.

ALASTAIR:
You’ve made it blatantly obvious who your chief suspect is Lieutenant but your pestering affects Opal too.

COLUMBO:
Well yes Sir, you are my chief suspect. You show me someone who knew the victim and who has a better motive than you do who doesn’t have an alibi on the night of the murder, and then you’ll stop being the chief suspect.

ALASTAIR:
Is it my fault that the victim lived a reclusive lifestyle?

COLUMBO:
I didn’t say it was Sir. But it definitely wasn’t an accident.

ALASTAIR:
Why are you so sure it was murder?

COLUMBO:
All the facts point to it being a homicide. The beer stain on the floor, the man in the raincoat etc.

ALASTAIR:
Was the man in the raincoat not a resident of one of the flats?

COLUMBO:
No Sir. Officers from my department have asked every single resident of that block of flats if they recognised the person on the film, and none of them did. Why would a man wear a raincoat done up so tightly and a black hat in such mild, dry weather?

ALASTAIR:
You’ve got me there Lieutenant. Anyway, what did you come here for today?

COLUMBO:
Well it’s just the same reason as last night really Sir. I wondered if you had anywhere at the office where you keep clothes.

ALASTAIR:
Other than the clothes rail in the admin area there is nowhere we keep clothes Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
Do you mind if I take a look?

ALASTAIR:
Not at all Lieutenant. Though you won’t find a fawn raincoat there.

Columbo leaves the office and enters the admin area with Alastair. He looks at the clothes rail and sees Tina’s leather jacket hanging alone on the rail.

COLUMBO:
Do you mind if I take a look around the rest of the building Sir?

ALASTAIR:
Be my guest Lieutenant. If you want to waste your time that’s up to you.

COLUMBO:
Well maybe. Still, my wife will be interested to hear about what goes on behind the scenes in her favourite grocery store.

ALASTAIR:
Ah yes, that reminds me. Why don’t you take some more vouchers while you are at it. Do you enjoy a glass of wine in the evening Lieutenant?

COLUMBO:
Oh yes Sir. I love a good Boredeaux claret to unwind with when I’m off duty. You know my job takes me to all sorts of different places. Once, many years ago, I investigated a homicide at a winery. The fella in charge showed me how to appreciate wine like a connoisseur. Shame I had to arrest him for murder.

ALASTAIR: (Searches around in a filing cabinet for several seconds and pulls out two vouchers. He hands the vouchers to Columbo.)
Here, buy one get one free on wines/spirits.

COLUMBO:
Oh that’s very kind of you Sir.

ALASTAIR:
That offer runs out next Sunday. What day does your wife usually shop here?

COLUMBO:
My wife is very fussy about her routine. Always arrives at the shop at 10.30am every Thursday morning as regular as clockwork.

ALASTAIR:
Tell her if she uses them this week they’ll still be valid. I really should keep a wider selection in my office. It’s always nice to offer visitors a little gift when they visit me.

COLUMBO:
That’s very generous of you Sir.

ALASTAIR:
Well let’s face it, the money I earn I can afford to be.

COLUMBO:
I only wish I could say the same Sir.

ALASTAIR:
A policeman of your rank can’t be that badly off surely.

COLUMBO:
Oh don’t get me wrong Sir, I’m not complaining. I get a decent salary. My wife is always saying that I should have been promoted to Police Commissioner by now, but I keep telling her, I love what I do. Investigating homicides is what I’m good at. I wouldn’t know what to do if I was stuck in some office all day giving people orders.

ALASTAIR:
It has its rewards.

COLUMBO:
Oh yes Sir, and I admire you for getting where you are, but it’s not for me.

ALASTAIR:
Oh I don’t know. At least if you did get the Police Commissioners job you wouldn’t be pestering me all the time.

COLUMBO:
I’m just doing my job Sir, it’s nothing personal.

ALASTAIR:
You never seem to stop either. It must have been after 9 that you called round at my house last night.

COLUMBO:
Well you see that’s the way I am. If I get a new piece of evidence I have to investigate it straight away, or it keeps me awake at night.

ALASTAIR:
You’re relentless. Don’t you ever give up on a case?

COLUMBO:
Never Sir.

ALASTAIR:
So it looks like I’ll be seeing you for some time to come then Lieutenant.

COLUMBO:
As long as you’re my chief suspect, yes I’m afraid it does. But I’ve taken up enough of your time. I’ve got to look through the rest of the building for this fawn raincoat. Bye Sir.

ALASTAIR:
I’ll be seeing you Lieutenant.

Columbo leaves the room.

ALASTAIR: (under his breath)
Or not as the case may be.

Scene 16:
Yerecos. It is Thursday morning. Alastair looks at the clock on his wall. It shows 10.10. Alastair looks at the clock and prepares to leave his office.

ALASTAIR:
I’ve got a meeting with Mr. Jerome of Haritas, it shouldn’t take long. I’ll be back in an hour.

TINA:
It’s not listed in your appointments book Mr. McFarlane.

ALASTAIR:
That’s because I have only just arranged it.

TINA:
OK, see you later.

Alastair leaves the office. He takes the lift down to the ground floor. But rather than leave the building, he turns left into the main corridor. He enters the second room on the right. It says store room on it. Alastair puts on a pair of gloves and looks through the products in the room. He continues like this for several minutes. Then he finds what he is looking for. A packet of red claret wine has already been opened, and there are four bottles left in the packet. Alastair takes two bottles from the packet and hides them in the grocery section of the store room. Then he takes the other two bottles. He carefully removes the cork from both bottles. Then he takes a file of liquid from his jacket pocket. The wine does not come to the top of the bottle, so Alastair is able to pour half of the contents of the file into the first bottle, and the remainder into the second bottle. The bottles are now full. Alastair then produces two new corks from his pocket and inserts them onto the two bottles. Then he places the bottles back in the packet. He removes his gloves and places them back into his pocket. Then he leaves the store room and looks at the clock on the wall. It is 10.27. Alastair leaves the building and walks down the road towards the Haritas shop. He enters the shop and heads up the stairs towards Mr. Jerome’s office.

Scene 17:
Back at Yerecos a well dressed lady in her early 60s enters the store. We only catch a glimpse of her from behind. It's Mrs. Columbo. She begins her weekly shop. She begins to choose her groceries. There are few customers in the store so she does not need to worry about getting in anyone’s way. She goes round the store as normal, and heads to the checkout. There is not a queue so she is able to begin unloading her goods straight away. She rummages around in her handbag and takes out her purse. She takes out her credit card from her purse and also the vouchers which Alastair had given her husband. The cashier, Jane Abonski, begins checking through her goods. The cashier is about half way checking through the goods when the bar code shows up an error on the two bottles of red claret wine. The cashier examines the wine and sees that the wine Mrs. Columbo has bought is out of date.

JANE:
I’m sorry madam, but this wine is out of date. I’ll have to have a word with my line manager about it. In the mean time, if you will excuse me a second, I will try and locate replacements for you from the store room. (Leaves the desk, taking care to log off her computer and heads to the store room. Two minutes later she returns with two bottles of wine in her hand.) There we are madam. I’m sorry for the delay.

The cashier resumes checking through Mrs. Columbo's order. When the cashier has finished checking through the order Mrs. Columbo hands over the vouchers and her credit card to the cashier.

JANE:
Oh, what a coincidence, these vouchers are for the wine.

Scene 18:
Alastair McFarlane’s office. It is 11.10 am. Alastair enters the admin area.

ALASTAIR:
Any calls for me while I was out Tina?

TINA:
No, but Lieutenant Columbo is here to see you. He said it was urgent so I showed him into your office.

ALASTAIR:
Probably some more pointless questions that are keeping him awake at night.

Alastair enters his office. Lieutenant Columbo is sitting at a chair beside Alastair’s desk puffing away at a cigar.

COLUMBO:
Good morning Sir.

ALASTAIR:
Good morning Lieutenant. What is the purpose of today’s visit then?

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, I’ve come here to arrest you.

ALASTAIR: (Laughs.)
Oh come on Lieutenant. You need proof before you can arrest me. You won’t find any proof that I killed Gareth Bartholomew because I didn’t do it.

COLUMBO:
Well Sir, it’s true that I haven’t been able to find proof that you murdered Mr. Bartholomew. You covered your tracks very well that night.

ALASTAIR:
You can’t arrest me for that boy’s death in New York all those years ago. That was a case of accidental death. The coroner’s court said that.

COLUMBO:
I’m not arresting you for that either.

ALASTAIR:
Well I haven’t got any other skeletons in my closet.

COLUMBO:
I never said you had Sir. I’m arresting you for the attempted murder of myself.

ALASTAIR:
You’ve finally lost it Columbo. I think I better call the men in white coats and ask them to cart you away.

COLUMBO:
I’m perfectly sane Sir. In fact it’s lucky I have been thinking so clearly, or you may have succeeded in your bid to kill me.

ALASTAIR:
And how exactly did I attempt to kill you?

COLUMBO:
With the wine Sir.

ALASTAIR:
The wine?

COLUMBO:
Yes Sir. The other day when you gave me those vouchers a little voice in the back of my head said to me ‘there’s something going on here’. You had not hid your irritation at my visits, and the next minute you were giving me vouchers for wine in your store. So then I got to thinking. Perhaps you wanted to get rid of me. I had told you what time my wife shops here every week, so all you had to do was to plant the poisoned wine in the store at the time my wife was shopping knowing she would pick it up. There was only one hole in your plan, and you saw what it was. The cameras. All around the shop floor of the store there are security cameras. If you had planted the poisoned wine yourself you would have been spotted on the cameras. So you had to find another way. Then you remembered the store room. You managed to find some stock that was being thrown out because it was out of date so you left the out of date stock in the store room. When the supply of stock ran out the shelf stackers put the new batch of stock on the shelves. You guessed that they wouldn’t look too closely at the stock, as it is already checked before it enters the store room. You guessed right, because the out of date stock was placed on the shelves last night as you planned. You couldn’t put the poisoned bottles amongst them, because other customers may buy them and be poisoned by mistake. So if anyone bought the out of date wine the checkout supervisors would have to look in the store room and find replacements that were in date. Several customers bought that brand of wine. The customers were given replacements from the store that did not contain the poison. You knew what time my wife would be shopping in the store so you waited until just before she was due to arrive and headed to the store room. You tampered with the wine and inserted the poison. Then you left the building and headed to see Mr. Jerome. Your secretary told me that you had arranged to meet Mr. Jerome at short notice. While you were visiting Mr. Jerome forensics examined the wine that you had sold my wife, and found that it contained a rare form of poison. I forget the name they said it was. It’ll come to me. Anyway, now I have proof of your guilt I have come to arrest you.

ALASTAIR:
Well Lieutenant, I must congratulate you. Quite a little tale you have concocted. I have heard some conspiracy theories but yours takes first prize. Of course you are overlooking one thing. You may have proof that poisoned wine was purchased from my store, but you have no proof that I put it there. As you so eloquently pointed out, there are security cameras all over the shop floor. However, there are none in the store room.

COLUMBO:
That’s not strictly true Sir.

ALASTAIR:
What?

COLUMBO:
There weren’t any in the store room, until last night, when I installed my own little camera in there. I’ve just examined the footage, and sure enough, it clearly shows you entered the store room at 10.12, inserted the poison into the bottles of wine, and left the room at 10.25. You banked that no one would purchase any of that wine while you were in the store room and your gamble paid off. And you would have got away with it but for the fact that camera was watching you.

ALASTAIR:
You couldn’t get me for Bartholomew’s murder though could you. All that talk about fawn raincoats. You never found a fawn raincoat did you? You couldn’t prove I was at his house on the night of the murder. All you had was your suspicions.

COLUMBO:
Once I found out about the incident in New York you were always my prime suspect. You pushed that boy off the bridge, and Gareth covered up for you. He kept that secret of yours all those years. He used that information to blackmail you. How long he had been blackmailing I do not know, but my guess is that he’d been doing it a while. If he opened his mouth he could ruin your career, so you killed him.

ALASTAIR:
You think you’re so clever don’t you. You think you’ve got it all worked out. OK, you’ve got me on the attempted murder charge so I might as well come clean. I did kill Gareth Bartholomew. You were right, he had been blackmailing him. But I never killed the boy. I’ll tell you what happened that night in New York. All those years ago have passed yet the memory remains crystal clear in my mind. We had been drinking. Jack had gone to bed and me, Gareth and the boy decided to go for a walk. We stumbled about a bit, and wandered off down the street. Then we came to the bridge. We looked down onto the road below at the traffic zooming past. Then Gareth pushed the boy over the railings and he fell to his death. I could never bring myself to hang around with him after that night. We drifted apart and I felt very uncomfortable being in the same room as him. It was me that covered up his guilty secret all these years, not the other way round.

COLUMBO:
Then why did he blackmail you Sir?

ALASTAIR:
Because it was my word against his. He had nothing to lose- no job, no family or friends. He said that he’d make it public that I pushed the boy onto the road. The evidence showed that we were both with the boy when he fell so, although I couldn’t be tried by a court, the public would make up their own minds and find me guilty. My hatred for Bartholomew grew but I managed to control it. Then one day he told me that I would have to double the payments. That was the last straw. So I got hold of the poison. I got an A in chemistry at school and I knew about the various types of poison. The night of the murder I told my wife that I would be busy in my study all evening. I put on the fawn raincoat and the hat so as not to be recognised and climbed out of the study window. Then, when I arrived at Bartholomew’s house I saw what a state it was in. Dirty needles and syringes all over the place. So while he was out of the room I inserted the poison into one of the needles. He had poured me a glass of this awful cheap beer, and I had spilt it on the carpet. While he was bending down to mop it up, I emptied the contents of the syringe into him. Then I headed home. I disposed of the raincoat and the hat. And I thought that would be the end of the matter. The verdict of any police officer would that he had been sold a bad lot of heroin. Any police officer except you that is. You and your suspicious mind.

COLUMBO: (Looking a little sympathetic.)
Well Sir, it’s time to take you down to the station.

THE END